Controlling or No?

If your friend tells you that they need to check-in with their partner before committing to an event that you invited them to, would you deem their partner to be controlling?  This is a topic that I have seen come up time and time again, with varying opinions on both sides.  Some people look at it as a form of respect, while others think that it is controlling and unnecessary.  Then, while having dinner one night, I saw this very topic unfold before my own eyes. 

I was at dinner one evening, enjoying one of the best Mai Tai’s I ever had, as I waited for my entrée, when two young ladies were seated at the table next to me.  Let’s call them Tiffany and Leah.  Their conversation started off as the typical conversation about how good everything sounded while they perused the menu.  I know you are probably thinking that I was listening and being nosey, but I promise you it was not on purpose.  I could hear their entire conversation, and they were not even remotely trying to speak quietly.

Once their orders were taken by the waiter, Tiffany then mentioned to Leah that she wanted Leah to come to a women-only event with her that was coming up in a few weeks.  After explaining what the event was about, Leah said that she wanted to check with her husband, and would get back to her.  Tiffany, with a scrunched-up face, (I was facing Tiffany so yes, I could see her face), asked why she needed to check with her husband first, and then proceeded to ask Leah if her husband controls where she can and cannot go, and if he tells her what she can do. 

Leah explained that it was not about her husband controlling anything, but rather she wanted to check with him just in case he had plans for them that day, because he makes plans for them a lot to explore new places, try new restaurants, and so on.  She went onto explain that she wanted to check with him just to make sure, just like he checks with her about things that he might want to do out of respect since they often plan things for one another.

Once again, scrunching up her face, Tiffany tells Leah how she does not understand how a grown woman would need to check in with anyone about anything.  Then, in what sounded like a condescending tone to me, she said, “I guess whatever works for you, but it sounds a little controlling to me, but ok.  Just let me know about the event.”

I wanted to say something so bad, but I had to mind my business because they were not talking to me.  But in the back of my mind, I was thinking that there was nothing wrong with Leah checking in with her husband before committing to this event.  I also wondered if these two were actually friends, because they seemed to have such vastly different views on this situation.  That is not to say that you and your friend(s) must completely agree on everything, but your friend should definitely respect the boundaries of your relationship.  Once I tell you I want to check with my husband first, regardless of what the situation it, all that needs to be said is simply “ok.”

To me, checking in with your partner or spouse seems like a normal thing.  If I am invited to an event, and decide that I want to attend, at the very least, I am going to mention it to my partner, simply out of respect, and I would expect him to do the same, whether it is an event that we attend together or not.  I did not see what Leah wanted to do as her husband being controlling.  She was not asking him for permission to attend, but again, mentioning it out of respect in the event that he had something planned for them that day.

Think about this, you are invited to an event, and on the day of said event, unbeknownst to you, your partner has planned this amazing surprise for you, has everything set up, and now you are like, oh, actually I’m going to this event with my friend.  It’s not the principle of you going, but the fact that you had already planned on attending and did not say anything.  This could have saved your partner from planning something for that particular day.  Ultimately, in my opinion, it not about control at all.  It’s simply about respect and communication.