Boundaries
Boundaries. What are they? Why do I need them? Let’s talk about it. Boundaries are simply just imaginary lines that separate you from other people. We must all set boundaries in our professional lives, our personal relationships and even in our romantic relationships. Unfortunately, however, some people do not set boundaries with others, which opens the door for others to walk all over them and take advantage of their kindness. Yet others, choose not to respect the boundaries that other people have set for themselves, and for those people, we must let them know in no uncertain terms that respect of our boundaries is not an option, but is a requirement to be around us; to continue to be in our lives.
Some people may be uncomfortable in setting boundaries because they do not want to make the other person feel bad. I’m here to say, let them feel bad if that is what they choose to do. No one should feel bad or guilt another person into feeling bad because they chose to set boundaries. Understandably however, the definition of some aspects of boundaries may vary from country to country, region to region. As a world traveler that has been blessed to have visited some amazing places, including Dubai, Thailand, Singapore, Malaysia, and many more, I am always cognizant of the rules in the country to which I am traveling. Some things that I may consider rude or intrusive, may not be considered rude or intrusive in that particular country or part of the world. By the way, be sure to check out my blog post entitled “Travel.”
We may consider being in someone’s personal space, which is subjective for different people, to be rude or even consider one to be overstepping boundaries if they ask certain questions. However, we must remember that not everyone thinks as we do. Similarly, things that some of us may consider appropriate, such as eating pork or beef, may not be considered appropriate in another part of the world or even to some people in your own neighborhood. That is why we must define boundaries for ourselves, always being mindful to respect the boundaries of others as they too have defined them for themselves, whether or not we agree with them.
A few years prior to law school, I worked as a Special Education Teacher for a few years, during my “decade of exploration.” We all know that kids oftentimes have no boundaries as far as personal space, so as part of my teaching, in addition to the standard curriculum, I taught boundaries and the importance of respecting the space of others. I demonstrated to the children that if they are closer than an arm length, they are too close. I put my arm out straight in front of me and asked each of them to walk over to me, up to my hand and stop. This demonstrated to them that this was my boundary and anything closer would be in my personal space. It was funny when I would later see them demonstrating this with other kids if the other kids would get to close. I overheard one of my kids tell another, “You are in my personal space,” as he put his arm out. Honestly, I could not help but smile. They were actually listening!
It is also important to note that boundaries go beyond the physical and into the mental and emotional as well. We must all learn to set boundaries with others for our own mental health. I am quite sure that we all know that one person who only calls when they need something. They never call to just check in on you to see how you are doing, or to catch up on life. Instead, they only communicate with you when they need something from you. And unfortunately, many times we have helped this person, only to later complain and become upset about being taken advantage of. Learn to set a boundary with this person. The next time they ask for something, tell them no. We sometimes allow people to walk all over us, but we must set boundaries to let them know that they are not going to continue to walk all over us. We must say no more.
The same is true with romantic relationships or dating, where boundaries and learning about one another’s boundaries are extremely important. As you are getting to know someone, you teach them how to treat you. You teach them what you will and will not tolerate and by setting boundaries in the beginning, it will not come as a surprise. Oftentimes, we do not set these boundaries in the beginning, so when we do, the other person will say that we have changed or that we are acting different. It’s not that you are acting different. You are simply setting boundaries that should have been set all along.
Back in the day on her album entitled “Beyoncé,” she had a song called “Yes,” where she is talking to a man about all the times that she said yes to whatever it was that he wanted, yet the first time she said no, it’s like she never said yes. That is so true! Have you ever said no to someone only for them to say something like “You always say no,” even though you have said yes, a million times? Listen, set those boundaries, and if someone does not like it, so be it.
Setting boundaries is also part of self-care. By the way, be sure to check out my blog post entitled “Self-Care” here. You may decide for example, that you do not want to have certain people in your home, and that is ok. Perhaps there is something about their energy that makes you uncomfortable, and you do not want that vibe in your home. You are perfectly within your rights, as your home should be your sanctuary and the place where you feel the most comfortable in. Please stop feeling like you have to explain yourself if someone wants to come over and you do not want to be bothered by the company. It could be as simple as saying that you just want to relax at home by yourself, or just you and your family.
Never feel bad about setting those boundaries and as you want others to respect your boundaries, again, be sure to respect the boundaries of others as well. Do not be afraid to openly communicate and assert your boundaries, as they help to create clear guidelines of how you would like to be treated, and let others know what is and is not acceptable when it comes to you.
